I mean – I’m not twenty any more….
And, Frankly – I didn’t look that happy back then either.
I watched this aging rocker movie,”Rikki and the Flash” with Meryl Streep and – Hey! That’s Rick Springfield…. which turned out to be weirdly gripping and horrible, yet magnetically attractive, like driving by flaming wreckage. Then I had to Google Rick, and read about his…. depression! infidelity?! and one thing led to another – and it’s another night my brain is on fire and I can’t sleep.
I had watched the movie with the daughter who has been estranged. We have been good for about a year, after the horrible teens and early 20’s. She kept saying “this is uncomfortable to watch” which I think was because some of that crazy dysfunctional family business was hitting a little too close to home.
Choosing to live your dream… Well, it doesn’t always work out how you planned. Dead end jobs, a “boss” your son’s age, living in a dumpy little pad… Being cut off from your past life and without resources. Menial, minimum wage jobs to get by… Life in the city may not be that great after all. And they never want to talk to you unless there is some kind of horrible problem.
I watched as the family dynamics unspooled into these pain-bombs of regret, loss, denial, bitterness, anger and crushing rejection. I hope my girl saw what I did, but I doubt she has the perspective yet. The movie kids were hostile. They were mad. They let the Mom know about it. They had their feelings hurt. they lashed out, wailed and blamed and carried on about the awfulness of her absence. They hurled insults and accusations at her. But each child had a dream too. Each had taken a risk, made an unpopular decision or gone against convention. They were fearless little chips off of her block. She loved them all unconditionally. The kids were alright. As are mine.
Upon reflection… Yeah – I put the FUN in dysFUNctional all right. I’m still not sure if living in a shack with someone who digs you, is better than being stuck in a mansion with someone who never understood you. I’ve never lived in a mansion.